It can't just be me...It just can't.

I was trimming my blonde mustache hair with my hair trimming scissors over my badly lit basement bathroom sink while the laundry was washing and thought SERIOUSLY THIS IS SICK SHIT. I, yes, I'm a woman, must trim my mustache, it's blonde peach fuzz but it's unruly especially out in the sunlight. Ok, honesty is the best policy, right? I have to trim the sides of my face too. I have blonde sideburns. I have blonde cheek fuzz with a few strays that like to stick straight out. Again, very attractive when the sunlight hits it. The fuzz in my sink below got me thinking...How gross am I? From the time I woke up some of the things I had to accomplish were pretty gross. I woke up, peed, hmmm, I'm due for a shower today says brain. After breakfast and coffee says stomach. Shower, but Mom I need breakfast too says SassyPants. Sneezing, blow my nose, rip through the kleenex. It's not actual Kleenex, I know that is a brand name, it's a facial tissue made by Aldi. It's rougher than other, which I prefer, it 'grips' the boogars. Again, gross, but true. One sip of coffee, yep, shit is brewing now. Finish breakfast and coffee and go down stairs to take the morning dump while I scan facebook. My sister hates the word dump. Ok now, I should maybe put in the husband's load of work laundry so they can be clean for him later, again, the shower can wait a few...What's this on his pants? Could be ketchup...could be blood...either way, gross. But don't worry, Dear, I'll spot treat and scrub it for you. SassyPants wants to color and draw and watch Liv&Maddie. I'm in, shower can wait just a little longer. I secretly LOVE the show too. Do not tell anyone how much, Ok? I've laughed so hard and I've even cried. It's a Disney Show. I'm a sick sick person. Sneeze, again, grab tissue, this time I do not rip through it, but when I walk to the trash can to throw my "kleenex" away, I think crap it's 12:30 already and I need to get dinner in the crockpot by 1 ish. Again, shower is waiting...I have however washed my hands, let's see: morning pee, after crap, after both nose blows, before I grabbed the pork roast, after I touched pork roast...enough times to know I'm not just a monster. Small victories... Showering is happening, oh wait, now SassyPants has to poop...I'll wait, sweettartfart love of my life. It's now close to 2:00 and I am showering, peace and quiet, sometimes I enjoy showers, sometimes they are such a pain in the ass. SassyPants wants to sit on the bathroom floor while I shower and play a video game because the episode of Liv&Maddie has a spider in it and the playstation remote needs to be charged and she couldn't change the episode, so she wanted to hang out with me instead of thinking about gross spiders. Fear of spiders is a real thing, I think it just sucks. She hates spiders as much as I hate mice. Both should be annialated(?) mass genocide(?)-saying killed off isn't strong enough for the emotions we feel towards these disgusting pests. I need to shave my legs, damn. I only shave from my ankles up to about mid thigh, then lift up my flabtastic stomach to do my bikini area, such a perty image, ain't it? Oh it's been a few months, I should probably check my big toe hair, I have like 3-4 on each big toe that get long enough I just shave them off. Gross. Hey, isn't this week my mole removal? I think it is. I have a mole on my back that is irritated by my bra. It sits just below the back snap area on my spine. I hate it. I can feel it tug. Ew. Up until now, for the past like 15 years, the mole hasn't been an "issue", now it's swollen and red. Dr said, there's no reason I'd be concerned with it but it's in a terrible spot. Ya think? Dr said she can SHAVE IT OFF. That image makes my butt hole pucker. I said right to her "do you have to say shave"? She said "oh sorry yea, probably a better word for it...let's just say remove." I think that is best. Ew SHAVE. Puckering. Remove, not so much puckering. Ok, where was I? Oh yes, shower is done while I'm thinking of all of this, get out, dry off...ouch is that a zit back there? Yep, right under my butt cheek. That spot hurts to pop, but the pressure back there is bad enough, we gotta pop it. I'm a popper. I'd rather have a scar or scab than have a zit. Again, ew. gross. sick. What the hell is wrong with me? I remember it's been a few weeks since I've checked the 3 stray boob hairs, 2 right in the middle in my cleavage, 1 on the side of each nipple. Wait, that's 4. I'm good at math too. REally? Well while I'm checking hairs......better trim the 'stache. I cannot be the only woman like this. I just can't. I know for a fact my sister IS like me, but we are the same person. Grew up the same, taught to groom the same etc... My biffy is somewhat the same...but our discussions tend to be WHILE we shit...so hair isn't the first topic of conversation, it's usually poop. Do all sisters and best friends discuss the realities of womanhood and poop like we do? Oh and let us not forget, my bff is 10 years older than me and reminds me at least monthly that it only gets worse as we get older. FUCK.